The Reckoning Of Hans Moleman

I've been criticized in the past for using too many official models in my battlefields, to which I reply "yeah but the AT-AT lookd pretty sick."

This particular gentleman though it was a smart business idea to setup his long running hot dog stand outside the ruins of the AT-AT.

As you can see there's lots of space for open warfare but also lots of elevation for shooting people from above.

Setup is painfully arduous as usual. Brendan, seen below, express doubts in his ability to win

Brendan's Archaeologists arm up with some sweet pick-axes, getting ready to uncover some gnarly history.

Our second first-timer, Emica, expresses confusion over who the 'black guy is' on her team. We all explained this was a rather obscure Star Wars character named Luke Skywalker and we apologised for the lack of clarity.

Arrrr! Bianca be pickin' the Pirates who sail the high seas of the wide web.

Their free pirate ship with on-board satellite dish  increases the range of their most unique ability...little do the rest of us know, Bianca will forget to use this ability the entire game.

Turn 1: Emica's hero unit Luke Skywalker (who she insists she already knew) uses the forks to move a vehicle off the bridge and closer to her team (see advanced photoshop special effects below).

Look, I'm sure there's no canon-related reason that Tusken Raiders should be friends with Rancors...but his name is Tom the Friendly Rancor, so it makes sense that he wouldn't hurt anyone. Well actually, he's about to hurt lots of people but...oh look, never mind...

Seen on the left is the ever exciting Retardis. If a minfig enters the Retardis and activates it's flushing mechanism, the mysterious vessel will be teleported to a random location on the battlefield.

Johnny Thunder, the whip-toten, copyright infringing Archaeologist from down under rides his valiant steed toward the pirate base.

There was a heated discussion (although every discussion we have is heated) as to whether Tom should be allowed to move pass the tree or if it blocked his path. It was then decided uproot the tree which had stood for thousands of years to the horror of environmentalist everywhere.

Also in a sneaky move, the Tusken Raider who was along for the ride jumps onto the Ewok Village and begins rummaging through all their stuff.

The Rebels score the first points of the game, rather quickly too, all thanks to Luke Skywalker and his ability to pick up tiny plastic cars with his mind.

The Pirates do something unheard of and charge their boat headfirst into the sea. Possibly heading straight for Hans Moleman? And is there a pirate dancing on that floating toilet?

Nope, it wasn't dancing, it was aiming...aiming a rocket propelled grenade at the base of the stand-alone tree house. In a massive fiery explosion, the tree comes crashing down, crushing Moleman in the process.

This results in Bianca receiving points for the card Crush Moleman.

Moleman is no good to us dead though, is he? Resurrected and full of vigor (kind of), Hans respawns safely between the abandoned prison and AT-AT...

...only to be killed again the very same turn by Bianca.

Bianca assures us she doesn't have a personal vendetta against Moleman, it's merely for points. Although she did mention she would probably run him down anyway, even without the reward of points.

In a slight change of pace, Brendan's highly esteem Archaeologist, who has written several articles for National Geographic and has even appeared in his own TED Talk entitled "Ancient Rome and The Dawn of Accounting", waltzes over to Captain Brikbeard and slaps him in the face with a sausage.

In the opposite corner, Aaron's Tusken Raider enters into a strange blue vessel and begins frantically pulling levers.

The Retardis whurrs to life, shaking violently and suddenly disappears.

A few moments later, the iconic blue box appears next to the Rebel base. The Raider steps out into the blinding light of a strange world he's completely unfamiliar with. What wonders await him in this alien landscape? Find out in the next episode of...Doctor, Who Turned the Tardis into a Toilet?

Not every one who lives on Tatooine hates sand. Believe it or not, sand people love sand. Which is why Aaron's raider has spread it all over the grass. It just reminds him of home. It also gives his team useful bonuses.

Ben Kenobi once said "These shots are too precise for sand people", but he obviously never saw one roll a 5 for skill.

Are you ready for the next episode of Doctor, Who Turned the Tardis into a Toilet?

Episode II: Luke Skywalker slices up the Tusken Raider and activates the Retardis, sending the body hurtling back through time and space...

...which lands right where it came from.

Emica's Rebels continue their trail of destruction by bloodying-up Aaron's sand. 

Blow me down! Arr, a pirate be shot in yonder chest with...arr...ray gun...ugh this is terrible why am I writing like this.

Bianca's Pirate's won't stand for it, I tells ya! She responds appropriately by using Captain Brikbeard's monkey to ignite the Ewok Village.

Monkey then jumps off the platform safely into the lake.

Brendan is a Brikwars veteran. He knows the 411. See his hero here? He looks useless, but I trust Brendan has a little ace up his hole.

This Archaologist avoids the swimming / movement penalty by drinking a super-charged cup of coffee from the hot dog stand. The incredible energy propels him into the middle of the lake next to the floating toilet.

It's Aaron's turn now...poor Bianca didn't realise that her monkey landed within walking distance from Tom the Friendly Rancor who will always walk towards the nearest unit.

Poor Monkey! Poor tasty monkey...

I had to look really hard to see who was killing who here. It seems a Tusken Raider on a bicycle has speared a pirate and taken his hat. At least he is saving the environment by cycling!

We're back to the Rebel's now, and according to Emica, it was fairly windy during her turn. Very windy.

"Oh dear," we all lamented, "that sounds like it would cause an inconvenience."

"No," she replied, "quite the opposite. It is so windy that the rope ladder from the fallen tree has caught the breeze and attached itself to the bridge next to my unit."

We nodded in agreement.

Emica strangely didn't use this fortunate turn of events to her advantage (a bad dice roll may have been involved). Instead, her Rebel started to urinate on the hot dog man who was cowering under the bridge.

Did you know there's ATV's in the last Jedi? They were all over the Casino Planet Canto Bight but the VFX guys couldn't remove them so they super-imposed spaceships over the top instead. It was just easier than shooing them away.

Next team to take out Hans, the Rebel Alliance in an adorable convertible.

Emica seems to think this game is all about gratuitous violence! Well she's correct. She fires on the Raider-turned-environmentalist and throws his body into the mass grave overlooked by a urine soaked hot dog man.

While everyone was distracted with pesky game progression, one of Aaron's sand people starts wearing a dead troopers helmet. This is disrespectful to our fallen soldiers!  #EmpireDidNothingWrong

We have a rule that says all NPC's in on the battlefield are highly suggestible. For the right dice roll, you can control a chosen NPC. Moleman is no exception. Bianca's Pirate's roll up next to the spritely 31 year old man and convince him to work for them.

The only problem is...Bianca didn't know how best to 'utilize' Hans...so she shot him.

Below is the aftermath of a dynamite explosion. It took out one side of the bridge and killed Luke Skywalker. The culprit? One of Brendan's units who can be identified (barely) as one of the bodies in the pile of blood and shrapnel.

The Rebel peeing off the side of the bridge managed to avoid the blast. Emica tried to get him to redshirt for Luke but instead ended up falling backwards and peeing into his mouth.

This is actually the final resting place of Luke Skywalker (don't believe those lies in The Last Jedi).

Brendan has two units left at his base constantly using their dig ability. This allows him to roll for free money and dynamite, items every archaeologist needs.

Also seen in this photo, Moleman's new respawn location.

It looks like all that digging has paid off for the Archeoligists, Brendan now has enough money to spawn his team's special ability: a stupid boulder.

Oh, poor Moleman. The Rancor picks him up and throws him high into the sky. As he falls to his death, everyone laughs.

Meanwhile, the Pirates throw an awesome barbecue with all their 'friends'! This nets Bianca some sweet points which basically asked her to gather some dead bodies around a BBQ.

After doing most of the killing for the first half of the game, Emica now scrambles to compose her strategy with only a single Rebel.

Hans respawns in the middle of the lake now, hopefully he can live the rest of his life in peace.

It looks like Johnny Thunder has found a friend. The hot dog vendor decides to give up the means of supporting his family to follow his dream of riding horseback with a strange cowboy.

As the Rancor rushes towards our tiresome hero, Moleman picks up a torch to defend himself. Will it be enough to subvert his destiny?...

...no, as Aaron's elevated Raider-turned-scout trooper shoots Hans in the back with an Arrow. Oh cruel fate! Will Moleman ever find solace?

Hmm, that tree wasn't there before. That's because Tom the Rancor used his immense strength to pickup the the fallen Ewok Village platform and toss it aside. This causes the fire on the tree to spread to other branches.

Moleman respawns just above the bridge. Maybe, just maybe, this is far enough away from the fighting.

Unfortunately, no. Aaron has enough money to purchase his team special, the Sarlacc Pit. From the terrifying depths of Tatooine, flown in a jumbo jet and dropped onto the battlefield, this horrible creature pulls Hans and an unidentified pirate into it's gaping mouth. This results in an excruciating death as they are digested for 1000 years.

Luckily for Hans, the pain ends quickly and he appears in the peaceful meadow adjacent to the downed walker. What a nice, final abode to live out the rest of his days.

The Rebel Alliance has their turn now...I forget what we're up to...turn 8? I dunno. Anyway, Captain Brikbeard is slapped in the face with a sausage for the second time tonight by Emica. You think the Captain would be incensed by this humiliating gesture, but he seems to enjoy it...even welcome it...

The middle of the map is fairly bloodied now with at least one body from every team. Tom throws the convertible into the grave for some reason and Johnny Thunder rides with his new friend clinging to his back. Nothing suss.

Sadly for Hans Moleman, his life is cut short once again via a pick-axe to the jugular.

Appropriately, his final respawn location (for real this time) is in the mass grave.

Sometimes, Brikwars can produce scenes of real beauty.

The technological marvel known as the Retardis is commissioned once again. When an archaeologist opens the door, however, a beheaded Tusken Raider curiously slumps out. It seems everyone forgot about Emica filling the vessel with blood earlier and sending it on its way.

Ewoks usually poop off the side of the deck, but now the future has come to them...an intergalactic toilet!

What a happy guy! The hot dog vendor, still under the influence of Brendan, hops merrily over to Emica's final unit with a cool, refreshing beverage in one hand and a stick of dynamite in the other.

Even though the hot dog Vendor has a successful home business, loving wife and two beautiful children (and one ugly child)...he lights the dynamite fuse and begins contemplating what led his life to this point.

 The contemplation is short-lived though, as the explosion tears him apart along with his dreams. Oh, and Emica's final unit dies ending the game.

Everyone adds up their points. The tally is:

• Brendan - 85

• Bianca - 65

• Emica - 45

• Aaron - 35

Here are Brendan's winning cards:

Of course, you need to see the final overview of the battlefield...

...and a break down of everyone's moves. I'm sure you also find it helpful to know all of the places Moleman died as well.

All were in agreement that this was indeed an eventful game. First-timers, Aaron and Emica, loved playing and we officially have some new converts.