Okay, so funny story: On Wednesday night Alkira and I had a couple of the boys over to watch a movie, play smash bros. etc…it was great. Anyway the time comes for everyone to get the hell out of my house as it was a weeknight and most of us had work in the morning. Then, I jokingly suggest “Hey guy’s wouldn’t it be funny if we played brikwars right now haha hey guys haha…”.
Of course the following events took place… So tonight’s contenders are (from left to right in the photo below) Ian, Bjorn, Graeme, Alkira and myself (invisible).
Ian is the newbie tonight who can be seen below listening intently to Bjorn who is carefully explaining the “rules”.
The battlefield was quickly slapped together, purposely small and cramped with the intention of hopefully forcing a short game. No capture points, with scattered buildings and a crashed Republic Gunship in the center. We had three units each plus one hero.
Graeme (who coincidently is French): Mimes
Me (Peter): Droid Army
I’m surprised any of us had energy left for this.
This games special rule – If you rescue Betty Space Commando she will resurrect your dead team somehow.
Ian is Canadian by the way, which to the rest of us Aussies was quite a surprise.
Graeme starts off the night with a very low-profile move, attempting to kill Bjorn’s entire team with a single, awkwardly thrown explosive.
Sadly when Graeme rolls an actual die things don’t go so well…
His mime throws up an invisible wall to shield himself from any repercussions…
However the mime’s imagination isn’t enough to protect him from a dynamite propelled sword.
The blade was just too much for the mime’s body to handle and the following physics defying event occurred:
Alkira’s Aliens move forward preparing to probe all moving things. That’s my girl!
Graeme can be seen here trying to convince Bjorn that the whole “exploding all your ninja’s” thing was a giant misunderstanding and that they are unknowingly on the same team.
Battle Droids are weak and useless (like Bjorn’s libido), everyone knows that. That’s why their hero Darth Maul is ridiculously over powered. Here he can be seen villainously using his powers to obliterate a wall.
Between turns Graeme props up the gunship wing as a barrier and then convinces everyone it was like that from the beginning.
Lucha El Vincedo, the Amigo hero, has wrestling abilities that allow him to fight without weapons. His megaton punch against Darth Maul, though an impressive sight, was in vain as he couldn’t quite break through his light cloth robes.
The Amigos now blow up a wall, possibly to steal something?
Graeme tries his hand at using this hero ability, mimic.
I can’t quite remember how this situation came about, but Graeme’s Mimes don’t have any weapons. I think he spent all of his CP on that fail stick of dynamite (that Bjorn now has). So below you can see him improvising. Grabbing the wing, he turns it towards the Aliens.
Assured that the long pointy thing is some kind of engine, Graeme’s plan is to feed one of his Mimes into the turbine, resulting in a deadly spray of bones and teeth out of the other end.
Somehow he manages to do this, killing the glorious Hypaxxus-8 and a foot solider.
What an honourable way to die!
Next turn the Droids, as useless as they are, manage to kill the Amigo hero (probably by accident). Also one of their arms fell off for no reason.
Ian tries to avenge his fallen leader but by the time he had the chance the rest of the Droids crumble under the weight of their own bad movie lines.
Alkira tries to free Betty: Space Commando, but only slightly damages the door.
The Ninjas, who want Betty to stay trapped (that’s how Bjorn likes his women), do a slicey.
Master Hentai gets some action in the usual fashion by fragging the person and then ‘courting’ them appropriately…or inappropriately depending on your point of view.
Graeme’s Mime next takes aim at an approaching Ninja. Once again, the French show their resourcefulness by feeding their own body parts into a salvaged gunship cannon, so, nothing unusual.
He may now be missing legs, but the Mime has gained our hearts. Also that Ninja died. How can live body parts be used to power weapons? Graeme insists it’s an ancient technique only mastered by the French, so unfortunately the rest of us can’t emulate its power.
While everyone was distracted, Alkira activated a robot in one of the rooms which she says has the magical power to resurrect her dead units BUT, and here is the self imposed rule she quite modestly placed on herself - she can only repsawn her own dead units when she wants to. Welcome back Hypaxxus-8!
…who gets back to work, stealing brains and what not. The most notable brain in range for Alkira is the amputee Mime still clinging to life on the side of the gunship. Prime real estate in any language!
Le Dink the Mime can foresee where all this brain stealing is going and sets up an invisible wall, which is impenetrable except from gun fire, explosions, light tapping and just walking around it.
Alkira’s stolen mime goes to fire the rest of his body through the meat cannon again, this time only causing enough damage to spray the wall with his remains.
Still during the Alien’s turn, Alkira remembers that Betty: Space Commando has the unexplained ability to bring entire teams back to life if freed from the wreckage. Alkira agree’s with herself that she can be the only one with recoverable units so she did the only noble thing one would expect – she stole a ninja brain and killed an unarmed woman.
The extraterrestrial rampage was short lived as Darth Maul butterfly kicks his way into the party. Aliens bleed blue btw.
Ian, who is the only one playing ‘properly’, kills a guy.
Then respawns his hero with a medic pad.
His next move is to megaton punch Master Hentai…
…up the butt.
Of course we have to roll for this like everything else in Brikwars.
So yeah that was a no…
Unarmed Le Dink has a problem – he can’t mime weapons he can’t see. Graeme fixes that problem by shoving the cadaver fueled cannon to his heroes head and runs him up the ramp of blood.
Matrix style, Le Dink fires his legs through the cannon. Okay, so maybe its not really like the matrix.
Perched atop the corridor of madness, the Mime hero uses his last ounce of strength to fire his torso and head toward the Amigos as an act of defiance. Ah those French, they really are all about empty posturing.
The Aliens are still alive and Alkira has activated C3PO. Unbeknownst to the rest of us playing, C3PO can not only revive dead units (surprise) but it’s also a walking bomb.
Reasoning that there must still be fuel of some kind left in the gunship, Alkira understands that if she can’t win (which to her is strange as she thought the game she was playing was called ‘I Win’), then nobody can win.
Bjorn isn’t taking this one in the butt (again), so tries to use his ‘smart’ to reason his way out of this everyone dies move…
Alkira ignores Bjorn and does it anyway…C3PO then does a thing, shamefully detonating himself all over the place and ignites the gas tanks of the ship, resulting in the end of the game:
We all agreed a smaller map was a good idea. With tighter space and less room to move we all had to make better use of the battlefield then what we usually do. Also worth mentioning is Ian’s lack of movement and Alkira’s refusal to acknowledge ’rules’ or ‘other players’.
In the end there was a winner, the Amigos commanded by the maple leaf eating gentleman that is Ian. History once again proves to be out of ideas as the person who learnt on the night has won the game.